Top 10 Weirdest Web Searches

I thought I would dedicate this post to all those people out there suffering with Monday Morning Blues. 
These are genuine internet search terms that have people have quite honestly typed into their computers and come across my blog as a result.
Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen 😛

“My hamster peed in my bed, how can I discipline him?”
If only this tortured hamster owner had commented or asked me! I could have easily told him that 3 minutes on the naughty step without any cuddles or attention is the way to discipline this furry fiend. Sit down with your hamster after this time and ask for an apology! If the hamster refuses to say sorry, leave them on the naughty step for a further 3 minutes. Its the only way these hamster learn anonymous worrier! If all else fails, take treats off the menu! That hamster will eventually crack under the pressure and peeing in the bed will be a distant memory for you both!

“do hamsters love?”
Now this is rather deep and philosophical for my little blogging brain. And perhaps for every other human being. I mean if by love you mean spontaneously crap on your sofa, nibble the cage bars loudly until the early hours of the morning and wee on your nice clean new top when you’re running late for something, then yes – hamsters lovely deeply and more meaningfully than any other mammal on the planet! But if you’re expecting a single red rose and a soppy note on your pillow one morning then I hate to say it but don’t keep your hopes up! They’re just not the romantic type; they’re more of the ‘treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen‘ variety.

“is there such thing as a non smelly hamster”
I could dedicate an entire post for this very question but I will shorten down the message just for this curious web-searcher: Non-smelly hamsters are a mythical creature along with minotaur’s and unicorns. They are not a big as unicorns, its true, but they are in the same realm of Narnia as these majestic beings, just hiding in the shadows. The closest us mortal humans can get to such a rare beast is to clean your poor pets cage out more often!! They only smell if you don’t clean their living space regularly! Oh and if they are a girl hammy on heat then they pong something nasty and there is no amount of cage-scrubbing that will rid you of that odour. Sorry.

“how to milk a hamster”
Firstly, strap your hamster into a pet-safe harness and put your protective goggles and gloves on – safety first kids!! Secondly, locate the hamster’s udder using a magnifying glass and tweezers. Thirdly, are you SERIOUS?!?! Put the hamster down and take a step back. In fact take more than one step back!
Leave the room/neighbourhood.

“is my male hamster fat or pregnant?”
Did you skip biology classes? Get back to school!! Damn!

“hamster porn”
Ooooh an old favourite here at Hamster Diaries. It pops up (s’cuse the pun) every day now. Even with a post titled ‘No Porn Here’, them randy hamster-porn-addicts think its a trick and click to view the post, just incase I’m hiding any saucy pictures! I’ll also mention there was a disturbing ‘hamster up the bum’ search… there are just no intelligent words to comment on that with. Moving on!

“hamster breast milk for sale anywhere”
Are you the same guy who was asking me how to milk your hamster?!?! If yes, please refer to point number 7 for further information. If not and you are a completely different person, have you tried the milk isle at your local supermarket?? I hear Tesco are really widening their range…

“how do I say ‘thank you’ in hamster language”
Great question my friend. When I treat my three hamsters to a new toy or a scrummy new treat, they all seem to thank me by peeing in my pockets or on the sofa. As hamsters don’t have sofa’s, the next best thing is their exercise wheel or gnawed on tunnel. Gently nudge their face with your claws (use a nail file to sharpen them bad boys up, really get into character with this) and reverse into position over your hamsters favourite object. Just when they look at you with a face of thanks, pee on their prized possessions. They will immediately feel the love and affection you hold for them.
Or you could just say ‘squeak, squeaky, squeakity, squeak.’ Essentially they are the same thing.

“can I breast feed my hamster”
No madam, no you can not! NEXT!

“Can you test a hamsters pregnancy with a human pregnancy test?”
Wow. Just wow! I wish there were words for this beautiful statement. Okay let me start off by saying top marks for imagination. Tip top marks there. I would also like to point out the differences between hamsters and humans; they’re different species. I’d imagine this would cause a problem when it comes to using a human pregnancy test (emphasis on the ‘human’ bit of that sentence). Also I’d like to see anyone try to get a hamster to pee on cue over a pregnancy test stick… All thats left after that search term is this highly appropriate meme:

I hope this has cheered up your Monday Blues!

I would like to emphasise that all of these search terms are 100% genuine from my WordPress ‘Search Engine Term’ section of my stat’s page over the entire time I’ve had this blog. I have tidied up the grammar of certain search terms (e.g. capitalised the i’s) for this post and also corrected the spelling of ‘hampsters’ in two of them.

Apart from that, I really couldn’t make this up! Gob-smacked doesn’t even come close! I hope you have enjoyed this! 😀 

Categories: blogging, funny, General, Hamsters, humor, Love, News, Pets, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “Top 10 Weirdest Web Searches

  1. Enjoyed it enormously! Nowt as queer as folk, as they say 😉

  2. Who ARE these people????? Yikes!

  3. Wow. There are no words to describe how much whee are werided out by these searches. Though whee have to do a post about some of the ones whee have had. (really you cannot say them in a comment. You needs a post for the full effect.)

    Nibbles, Nutty, Buddy & Basil

  4. LOL. Who on earth would want to breast feed their hamster? Um, ouch! I have had people ask some weird questions at the vet hospital, but thankfully, none of these came up haha.

  5. Kirsty

    OMW! that was hilarious! Had such a good laugh. Some people are mad! Crazy mad!

    • Thanks for the comment 😀 And soooo true! Since posting this, there have been several more ‘can I use my pregnancy test on my hamster’ searches! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!? 😉

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